


The Voice I Hear Inside My Head

by orphan_account



Series: 超自然的 (Choushizenteki) [2]
Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 07:24:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jin could ignore a lot of things during sex, but Kame’s voice writing To-Do-Lists in his head was surely not one of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Voice I Hear Inside My Head

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone :D A one shot once again. Second part of the 超自然的 (Choushizenteki) series, more comedic this time, though :) Hope you’ll like it :D
> 
> Insert Song: Gotta find you - Joe Jonas (Jonas Brothers, Camp Rock Soundtrack)

**You’re the voice I hear inside my head**  
The reason that I’m singing  
I need to find you  
I gotta find you  
You’re the missing piece I need  
The song inside of me  
I need to find you  
I gotta find you

-          _Joe Jonas_

Jin’s POV

She giggled against my lips as we stumbled through my corridor, searching for the bedroom door. I yelped when I bumped against it, fumbling blindly to pull the doorknob and let us inside.

She pushed me forward, towards the bed, and in my fight for balance, I knocked my elbow against the little box on the commode, containing my jewelry. It tumbled down onto the floor, but I had no time to pay it any mind, as the back of my knees hit the bed, making me fall down on it.

The girl, which I had picked up in the club without even being able to remember her name, giggled again, before she let herself plop down onto her knees, looking up at me from the floor, a mischievous grin on her face before she attacked me belt, undoing it clumsily.

My eyes involuntarily fell onto the mess next to her on the floor, the jewelry that was scattered all over. I gulped, when I saw a familiar ring lying just at the girl’s feet.

It was the ring I had bought with Kame, back in Okinawa, when we had still been friends. I had not seen it in an eternity.

I closed my eyes, trying to gulp down the sick feeling in my throat and instead concentrating on the girl’s fingers, which had finally managed to open the buttons of my jeans.

It was then, that I heard a too familiar voice.

_Urgh, finally, home. I’m too tired, I just want to fall into bed and sleep for a whole day. But I can’t; I still have to answer my manager about the meeting tomorrow, that I can still make it. Oh, and he has to get that contract for the Kirin CM done, as well, the deadline should be coming soon._

My eyes snapped open in panic, and I looked around frantically, but found nothing. Of course, I found nothing. How freaky would it be if suddenly, Kamenashi Kazuya stood in my bedroom?! Even more considering the fact that we hadn’t been on civil terms for ages.

No, he was not here. Still, he did not stop talking.

_And there’s still the set list for the tour. I need to make a few changes, I mean, we can’t just cut out GOLD-_

The girl looked up at me, frowning.

“Jin?” she asked, a little lull in her voice. “Everything alright?”

_-and then there is the problem with my solo, we need to put it in a place somewhere more suitable, and we need to clear up how to include that stupid cage, and-_

Maybe it was the alcohol, I tried to reason with myself. It had to be the alcohol. I was hallucinating. Because there was just no reasonable explanation as to why I was hearing Kamenashi Kazuya’s voice in my head.

It was in my head, right?

“Um” I spoke up finally, addressing the drunken girl on my floor. “Do you hear a bitchy band leader freaking out about tour arrangements, too?”

She blinked, looking at me with a blank expression.

“No” she said finally, before smiling, asking: “Is that some kind of kinky role play?”

I quickly shook my head, gulping, as Kame continued: _Shit, I forgot to go grocery shopping. Damn, I’d better get going quickly, the conbini around the corner should at least have some sandwich or something I could use to-_

“Oh god” I whispered, totally freaked out. “Oh god!”

The girl was still looking up at me questioningly, while Kame decided to write a shopping list for a trip to the supermarket tomorrow.

***

I felt like shit, when I sat in the KAT-TUN dressing room the next morning, staring off into space, wondering if I should have myself committed.

I had thrown the girl out last night in a panic attack, not being able to concentrate on the blowjob she had offered with Kame writing to-do-lists in my head. I could ignore a lot of things while having sex, but Kame’s voice was not one of them.

I had lain in my bed after that, staring up into space, trying to think, but it was hard, when Kame continued with the arrangement of our set list.

I did not come up with more than panic and ‘ _shit’_ and ‘ _what the heck?!’_ through Kame’s babbling, until, around 3 a.m., his voice finally died away. I wondered if he had gone to sleep, immediately scolding myself after it.

That would mean that I was hearing the _real_ Kame in my head, which was, as far as I could tell, completely impossible. I could not even tell what the guy was thinking when I stood right in front of him, so I could surely not hear his thoughts like that when we were on different sides of the city. _No one_ could hear thoughts. That was just not possible.

Which meant that I was hearing things that were not there. Was I developing a second personality or something?

That thought had really freaked me out, and had made me turn on my laptop to research schizophrenia. I would rather kill myself than running around with Kame as a second personality in my head. No freaking way.

The homepages I found only confused me even more, though. Then, I began to wonder if I had not just been imagining it. If maybe it _was_ the alcohol, after all. I would never go to that club again. Who knew what they had put into my drink?!

I had hoped that it would be gone, when I woke up later, and had tried to sleep. It hadn’t taken more than an hour, until Kame’s voice had been back again, waking me up with a start.

_Argh, damn, I’m late. I took too long in the shower. Actually, I wanted to drive by Starbucks on the way to the interview to get myself a coffee. I guess I can forget that now. Maybe they do have a coffee machine in the building or something. I don’t think I can survive this day without a dose of caffeine._

I had stared at the ceiling, wondering if I should start crying, or just jump out of the window.

I had done neither, obviously, since I was here now, in the dressing room, wondering how I was supposed to survive this day. How should I concentrate on rehearsals, concentrate on what the _real_ Kame was telling us, if all I could hear was the Kame in my head?!

Real Kame was not present yet, though, and I was kind of thankful for that. The other members were not very communicative either, maybe deciding to leave me in peace, considering my obvious condition. The only one who had bothered to ask about it was Nakamaru. I had waved him off, saying I had not slept that well. It was no lie, after all.

I could hear Kame freaking out in my head again, and I groaned to myself, closing my eyes, ignoring the weird look Ueda gave me.

_Shit, I’m late again! I hate Tokyo traffic! Why is my schedule so tight?! I-_

It was that moment, that the door flew open, and _real_ Kame came in, seeming breathless.

“Sorry” he called into the round immediately, a little breathless. “The magazine interview went so long, and then there was a traffic jam-“

“It’s okay, Kame” Koki chuckled, patting his shoulder good naturedly. “Stop freaking yourself out. It’s not good for your heart.”

Kame flashed him a tired smile, and the Kame in my head murmured: _That’s easy to say for you. I want to see you not freaking out with my schedule._

My eyes widened, and I stared at Kame, watching how he threw his bag onto the table, rummaging through it, while his voice in my head said: _Where did I put my freaking notes?! I’ll need to talk with the management, and-_

His cursing was interrupted when Taguchi called for him, and I continued staring at him with my mouth wide open.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait… Did that mean I was actually hearing Kame’s thoughts in my head?! _Real_ Kame’s voice?! But that was not possible. How was that possible?!

Kame turned back to his search after he had answered Taguchi’s questions, and his eyes met mine. He frowned at me, and the voice in my head was saying: _Why is he looking at me like that?! Do I have something on my face?!_

I gulped, and quickly looked away, feeling the heat on my face. Shit, shit, shit!

 _He looks tired_ , I heard Kame say, or think, or whatever it was. Then, he shrugged to himself, focusing on his bag again as he continued: _Oh well, he was probably partying last night or something. Maybe brought another girl home, knowing him. What do I even care? And now, where are those freaking notes?!_

I gulped, contemplating for a moment to just excuse myself out of the room and scream.

***

The day that followed was pure hell, and I could hardly concentrate. It did not make it easier, that when I made a mistake, I was scolded by both real Kame, in the polite version, and in his thoughts, too, in the uncensored version.

“Akanishi” Kame sighed, for the sixth time today, thinking: _STOP DRINKING YOUR NIGHTS AWAY, MORON, WE HAVE A TOUR TO PREPARE FOR!_ , saying: “Concentrate, please!”

I glared at him, and Kame raised his eyebrows in question, saying: “What?”, thinking: _What have I done now?!_

“Nothing” I murmured dangerously, before turning away from him.

_Gosh, if we were still 14, he’d have probably already hit me! I know that look on his face… What is it with him today?! We’re all stressed out, but that is no reason to act like this! But well, we’re talking about Jin here, so what am I expecting…_

I balled my hand into a fist, biting my lip to keep from responding.

***

After we were done with rehearsals, Kame and I were the last ones left in the dressing room – me because I had taken my time in the shower, trying to control my frustration about Kame and his thoughts and the fact that I could still hear them, and Kame because he had had a talk with the management about the set list he had rearranged last night.

I was just packing my last things together, planning to disappear as soon as I could, when I heard Kame say (think): _Damn, I should have bought myself another energy drink at some point. Mine is gone already. I feel dizzy._

I froze, throwing an inconspicuous look over my shoulder, just in time to see Kame sitting down on a chair slowly, closing his eyes, taking a deep breath.

 _Maybe it’s also the missing lunch_ , he continued. _I should buy something on my way to the Going! Studios… but then again, I don’t have the time. Argh, I won’t survive this night…_

I focused my eyes on my bag, spotting the half empty bottle of my energy drink easily. Before I could think twice about it, I had pulled it out, shouldering my bag and turning to Kame, holding the bottle towards him.

“Here” I said curtly, and Kame opened his eyes again, staring at me in surprise. “Take it!”

“What?!” Kame murmured, perplexed, and I impatiently shoved the bottle at him, until he finally took it.

Then I turned around and left, without another look at him, aware that Kame was staring after me. When I had left the room, I heard him think: _Did I say that out loud?_

***

Kame’s voice in my head did not stop talking, all throughout the night, so that I always knew what he was thinking or doing, at every waking minute.

Kame never stopped thinking. I wondered how his head did not just explode, with all those worries and thoughts and feelings. I wished I could just shake him and scream at him to stop thinking, or knock him out, if that was the alternative, because he only seemed to shut up in his 3 hours of sleep per night.

I took some more time to research the internet, while Kame was trying to remember baseball statistics for Going!. There was nothing, though – nothing on mind-reading, neither in Japanese nor in English. At least nothing that did not sound totally lunatic.

For a moment, I wondered if I should call a friend and ask for help. But then again, they would think I had lost it, and I was in no mood to be sent to a clinic. Because obviously, it was not my fault. I was not crazy – there was just something freaky going on, or Kame was thinking too loud, or whatever. But it was not me!

I was only able to sleep when Kame slept. Every time I tried to close my eyes and empty my head, no matter how tired I was, Kame’s voice was always screaming through my head, freaking out about schedules and the fact that he still had not managed to go grocery shopping.

At one point, I tried to talk to Kame in my head. You know, telepathy. It was supposed to work both ways, the way you always heard in movies and books, right? But no, no answer, not even a reaction. Obviously, Kame could not hear me. Lucky bastard.

***

When I arrived at the rehearsals the next day, I was more than a little on edge. Kame and his hysterical and stressed nature were driving me insane.

I could tell that he had already arrived at the location before me, this time, from the way he discussed the set list with the management again, making exasperated comments about how they would just not listen to him, and that they should return to their freaking offices and let him do his job.

If I had not been this annoyed by Kame, I’d have been amused. Ever since we had stopped being friends, Kame had become this overly professional perfect little robot that no one ever knew what he was thinking. It had freaked me out, and had made me hate him. To hear now that, behind this polite façade, there was actually still a part of my old Kame left, the head-bitch-in-charge throwing around snappy comments, was kind of a relief.

He did not show much of that side of him, as I came to notice again later, when we started to rehearse together. Actually, he showed nothing of himself in general. He did not complain to anyone about how pig-headed the management was, standing in the way of his plans. He did not tell Koki to be more quiet, though his loud voice was worsening his head-ache. And he did not let us see how terrible he was actually feeling, that at every too quick dance move, his head was spinning.

It freaked me out a little. I had not needed to worry about Kame for ages – or maybe I would have needed to, but had not let myself. Well, how could I have, if he never actually showed what was going on inside of him?! I could not read minds, could I?!

Well, at least, not normally.

When we started rehearsing the “Rescue” choreography, I was seriously contemplating saying something to him. Asking him to take a break. Because his thoughts became shorter and less articulated, and mostly contained how dizzy he felt, and I really wondered if he would be able to keep going like that for much longer. But I kept quiet. How was I going to explain my comment, after all?

In the end, it turned out to be the wrong decision, to stay quiet. Because as Kame started his dance solo, and all I heard was _Damn, everything is spinning… I can’t breathe… Wait, why is everything black?!_ , it was all I could do to reach out for him in the last moment, before his head hit the floor.

Kame did not react to our calls, neither verbally, nor in his thoughts.

***

We brought Kame back to our dressing room, laying him down on the couch, placing a wet towel on his forehead.

“Shit” Koki murmured, shaking his head as he looked at his pale face. “We should have noticed that he was not feeling well. He is always one to come to work with a fever or something.”

“He’s not ill” I spoke up, without thinking. “His schedule is just insane. He’s overworked.”

Every single head turned to me, and I gulped, realizing what I was doing. I was not supposed to know anything, after all. Kame never talked to me these days, and everyone knew that.

“I guess you’re right” Nakamaru said slowly, ignoring the awkward situation.

It was then, that I heard Kame’s voice in my head, saying: _Water…_

I reacted before he had even opened his eyes, grabbing a water bottle and kneeling down in front of the couch, having it ready when he finally moved. The others looked at me like I had lost my mind, but forgot about it, when Kame opened his eyes, blinking up at them.

“Kame!” They all called out, bombarding him with questions, if he was alright, if he needed anything, and so on, and so on.

 _Too loud…_ , Kame thought fuzzily, and I shushed them instinctively, pushing the water bottle at Kame. He did not seem to realize who he was taking it from, just sitting up, opening it shakily, drowning it almost in one go.

“How are you feeling?” Taguchi asked gently, and Kame set the bottle of water down again, blinking into the round.

“What happened?” he asked shakily, adding in his thoughts: _Did I break down? Shit, I really should have taken the time to eat this morning._

“You broke down in the middle of rehearsals, Kame!” Koki scoffed, sitting down on the bench next to him. “Don’t scare us like that!”

“Sorry” Kame murmured with a weak smile. “Must have drunken too little.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, but kept my comment back. Nakamaru ended up being the one to say: “I really think you should take a rest, Kame. You’re doing too much.”

“I will” Kame nodded, but what he actually thought was: _As if I had the time for that. I have my radio show tonight, and-_

“Your health is more important than work!” I groaned angrily, only realizing a second too late, when everyone was already staring at me, what I was doing.

 _Did I say that out loud? Again?,_ Kame thought, blinking at me, and I quickly added: “Well, I know you’re just saying that to get us off your back! I know you.”

“I promise I will” Kame said with a frown, before thinking: _What has gotten into him?! Since when is he that concerned?! He has no idea what my life is like! Not anymore! And now, after all those years, he wants to tell me what to do?!_

I glared up at Kame, but instead of saying anything, I got up, grabbing my things angrily, announcing: “I’ll take a shower! Rehearsals are over for today, right?”

Everyone stared after me, as I left the room. When I had closed the door behind me, I heard Koki ask: “What has gotten into him?!”

 _I stopped trying to understand him ever since 2007_ , Kame thought, sounding miserable, somehow, and it made my throat tighten.

***

When I returned to the dressing room, the only one that was left in it was Kame. Everyone else had probably gone to shower, too.

Actually, all I wanted was to quickly grab my things and leave, but I was only halfway across the room when I heard Kame think: _\- on the way home, I need to refill the gas, and-_

“You are not actually planning to _drive_ , in your condition?!” I blurted out angrily, and Kame turned around, staring at me with wide eyes. “Are you freaking insane?!”

“Wait – I did NOT say that out loud!” Kame called, pointing at me. “How are you doing that?!”

“Well, maybe, if you stopped thinking and thinking all this time, I would also stop hearing your voice in my head 24/7, too!” I called, not caring anymore if I gave myself away, because I was at my limit, too.

Kame only stared at me as if I had gone insane, thinking: _Has he completely lost it now?_

“No, I haven’t, you’re just driving me insane!” I groaned dangerously.

_How did he-?! That’s not possible, right?!_

“It IS possible!” I yelled desperately, crossing my way towards him, shaking him lightly. “I don’t know how, either, but it is!”

“You can hear my thoughts?!” Kame asked, his voice high, and his inner voice ranting: _But that can’t-! Why?! How?! I – OH MY GOD! What did he hear?!_

“What, do you have secrets from me?!” I snapped, a little nastily. “Are you that scared of me knowing what is going on in your life nowadays?!”

Kame did not say anything, but inwardly, he was freaking out.

_Shit. What did I think about lately?! Have I mentioned – no, I don’t think I have. Have I? Shit, I’ll have to watch out. I-_

“You know what?!” I groaned in frustration. “I have no freaking interest in your thoughts! I just wanna know how to make it go away, because seriously, you’re the last person I want to have around every minute of every freaking day!”

 _What, you hate me that much already?_ , Kame thought, obviously pained, but what he said out loud, his voice shaking a little, was: “I can also imagine better things, than you being able to see into my head, believe me!” _Actually, you’re the last person I want in my head. It’s too dangerous._

“Oh, dangerous?” I repeated, annoyed, and Kame closed his eyes, willing inwardly to make himself stop thinking. “You know, whatever problems you have with me, get clean with them! And if you’re already at it, stop freaking out all the time about every little detail! Just chill and stop it already!”

“Well, then tell me how I’m supposed to _just not think_ , Jin, since you’re obviously an expert at it!” Kame called angrily.

“What do I know?! Get laid or whatever!” I yelled, and there was a look in Kame’s eyes that I could not quite read.

 _You really don’t care if I do, right?_ , Kame thought, looking away from me, gulping. _You couldn’t care less about me. It shouldn’t hurt so much. Fuck you. I hate you._

“Huh?!” I asked, blinking, not quite understanding what he was saying, or thinking, and Kame called: “GET OUT OF MY HEAD ALREADY!”

With that, he pushed past me, grabbing his things, storming out. I stared after him, my mind filled with desperate half sentences of his, like: _Fuck! Don’t cry now! Why do you even care?! He’s not the same person anymore! Forget it!_

And then, one sentence fell, that knocked the breath out of me.

_He’s not the guy you fell in love with anymore, at some point. That guy would have never said something like that._

“What?” I murmured, to myself, since nobody was here anymore. Then I let myself fall backward, onto the chair behind me, staring into space, not understanding.

***

I did my best effort to tune Kame out. Tried not to listen as he freaked out, his mind always returning to our conversation. Tried to tune him out during the radio show, on which he could hardly concentrate. Tried listening to loud music when he drove out to hit a bar afterwards, deciding it was the right night to get drunk, and maybe follow my advice to find someone to spend the night with.

It was all no use though. I heard everything, and I felt sick by the time Kame’s thoughts became less articulated, more blurred thanks to the alcohol he was gulping down. Sick to the core.

What was all of that supposed to mean?! Kame had been in love with me?! When?! Where?! WHAT THE HECK?!

I got up from the couch, getting myself a beer, drowning it almost in one go. I choked on it, coughing uncontrollably when Kame’s eyes fell on a guy on the dance floor, who had been stealing glances at him.

_He has a nice body… Though the way he moves is a little off. Oh well, what am I expecting, not everyone can move his hips like Jin. Argh, what am I thinking of again… Oh fuck it!_

I stared off into space, lowering the bottle of beer, my heart racing as I listened to Kame’s thoughts as he flirted with the guy. I felt sick, as it proved to be an easy task – obviously, the other guy was even more drunk than Kame, and a few teasing smiles, a few sweet whispers, and he let himself be dragged to the toilet by Kame.

I leaned against the door of the fridge, feeling sick as Kame started kissing the guy, inwardly complaining about him using too much tongue, or wondering what he had eaten earlier, since he tasted of garlic.

“Stop” I whispered to myself, and shuddered as the guy obviously fumbled with Kame’s belt. He was not even enjoying what he was doing, I could tell! Kame was not the type to sleep with strangers! Why was he doing this to himself?!

I felt like I couldn’t breathe, when Kame was pushed down by the stranger, falling onto his knees, starting to undo his jeans.

“STOP!” I called desperately, burying my face in my hands, though I knew that he could not hear me. For once, I wished he could.

He did not stop, but his thoughts were not very favorable, either, as the guy began thrusting into his mouth. I balled my hand into a fist, hitting the side of the fridge behind me in frustration as I could not stop listening.

_Oh god, slow down, I have to breathe, too! And let go of my hair, the grip is too tight… I hope he gets off soon. My jaw is hurting…_

I took a shaky breath, and before I knew it, I was fumbling through my jeans pockets, searching for my cell phone. My fingers trembled, when I finally found it, scrolling through my contact list, in search for Kame’s number. I pressed call, holding the phone to my ear, listening to the ring at the same time as Kame took note of his own cell phone vibrating in his pocket.

“Take it!” I pleaded. “Come on…”

I flinched, because apparently, in that very moment, the guy came. Kame had to gag, as he gulped, and cursed that the guy tasted horrible. It was then, that he fumbled for the phone, too, finally taking the call.

“Yes?” I heard his voice through the speaker, rough.

“GET OUT OF THAT BAR!” I yelled at him, not being able to contain myself.

_Wait, Jin?! Can he still hear me?!_

“Of course I can!” I called, finding it hard to breathe. “Now do what I say! I’ll get you from there! Wait for me!”

I hung up before Kame could respond. He did not need to – I could hear him freaking out through his thoughts. It sufficed.

_Who does he think he is, telling me what to do?! He fucked up my whole life, for god’s sake, and now he just wants to continue?!_

I tried to pay him no mind, grabbing my car keys and leaping for the door. If Kame did not come out voluntarily, I’d drag him out of there, that much was for sure.

***

It turned out that I did not need to. Kame was standing at the side of the street, in front of that bar, when I arrived there. He looked pale and miserable, and his thoughts were desperate, but he was there, and I could not even begin to explain how relieved I was about that.

“Get in!” I called to him as I held at the side of the street, and Kame hesitated, wondering if it would be really wise for him, to go with me, but I threw an exasperated look at him, and in the end, he opened the door and sat down on the passenger seat.

I started the engine, quickly speeding away from that club, and we were silent for a moment. At least verbally, because Kame’s thoughts were blurring into each other, making it hard to follow them.

_Why is he here?! What does he even care?! He fucking told me to get laid, damnit, and now he isn’t happy, either?! He does it every freaking night!_

I threw a quick look at him, but I did not answer. I did not know what I was doing, myself.

_Is he doing this just to torture me?! Is it fun, to see me breaking apart in front of him?!_

“It’s not” I said immediately, my breathing uneven. There was a lump in my throat, and my hands were shaking a little. I gripped the steering wheel even tighter.

“Don’t lie!” Kame snapped, his voice shaking a little. _Get a grip of yourself…_ “In the last couple of years, you didn’t give a fuck about me!”

“Stop shoving this onto me!” I snapped. “Just because you can’t deal with your feelings for me!”

Kame’s breath caught, and I regretted my words immediately. His thoughts were unclear, screaming of humiliation and betrayal and hurt, and it was hard for me to take.

Before I could apologize, though, Kame said: “Stop the car!”

“What?!”  I asked, perplexed.

“STOP THE FREAKING CAR!” Kame screamed, and I heard the tears in his voice, the one that did not quite fall yet, while his thoughts were a mess, swearing that he could not stay close to me for even another second, and that he hated me, and it was all I could do to park at the side of the street, before Kame tore the car door open, storming out.

“KAME!” I called after him, hurrying to jump out of the car as well, following him down the street. “KAME, WAIT!”

“STAY AWAY FROM ME!” Kame yelled, and there were 2 voices screaming at me, and I could not understand either of them very well, and when I reached him, grabbing his arm, turning him around to me, I saw that he was crying. It made me helpless.

I could not think myself, with Kame screaming in my head, making me hurt from his pain, too, and before I knew it, I had reached out to him, pulling him against me. He struggled, calling me names, both with his mouth and in my head, but I just held on, unwilling to let him go. I had always been stronger than him, and seeing that he was pretty wasted as well, he could not put up a fight for long.

It was when he sank together in my arms, crying, thinking about how fucked up his life was, that I started to hate myself a little, as well.

***

Kame was hardly conscious anymore, when I brought him home that night. I guessed that it was a mix between the alcohol and the exhaustion of the last few days, catching up with him because of today’s events.

He was so tired, actually, that he stopped thinking. I was thankful for that. It gave me more room to think for myself.

When I let Kame fall onto his bed, I sat down next to him, staring at his face for so long that I lost track of time. He looked like a mess, and the thought that I was partly to blame for that made me more miserable than I could have imagined.

I reached out, unconsciously stroking my thumb over his lips. They parted a little at my touch, but Kame did not wake, and I remembered, with a pang, what these lips had been doing a little while ago. I felt sick to the core. It was all my fault. Why could I never keep my mouth shut?!

I wondered if it would have changed anything, if I had known about his feelings earlier. When had they started? Why had I not noticed? Was that the reason why he had changed so much, putting a distance between us that I had not been able to comprehend back then?

***

I stayed at Kame’s place for the night, sleeping next to him. I had hoped to clear this thing with him up the next morning, to maybe take some of his pain away and get closer to him again… But it was a vain hope, as I realized shortly after I had opened my eyes.

Kame was already up, sitting in the kitchen, drinking a coffee to sober himself up. His thoughts were low and more centrally focused, maybe due to his hangover.

That was until I got up, walking into the kitchen, standing in the doorway until Kame looked up at me. He did not catch my eyes, and all that he thought was: _Can’t he just leave? I don’t want to talk to him._

“But we have to talk about this, Kame!” I said gently, focusing my eyes on him, but he had turned back to his cup of coffee. “Maybe we should have talked about this ages ago.”

“Why should we talk about it?” Kame sighed. “It doesn’t change anything.” _You don’t return my feelings, and I humiliated myself to the bones. Can’t you just leave it at that?_

“How do you know?” I blurted out, without thinking. “How do you know that I won’t return your feelings?”

Kame chuckled bitterly, thinking: _Don’t make me laugh._

“I’m serious!” I said loudly. “You used to mean a lot to me, once upon a time, and I think you still do. I can’t really explain it… But if it’s you…”

I was cut off, when Kame thought: _I don’t need your compassion._

“Kame…” I murmured unhappily.

“Can’t you just go?” Kame asked quietly. “It’s all been going so well, before you suddenly had to go and mess up my life again!”

“Nothing has been going well, Kame, you know that!” I protested.

_But it can’t get worse than it is now._

I sighed, feeling helpless, not knowing what to say or do. I did not even know what I was supposed to think, or feel. I just felt like, if I left now, I would lose my last chance on a relationship to Kame, of whatever nature, and that thought scared me more than I could have ever imagined.

“Just go” Kame repeated. I stared at him, searching for any words, anything… Before realizing that I had none. Everything I would say could only make it worse.

So I did what he said, no matter how much it hurt. Kame did not look up when I left, but he was relieved, as I could tell from his voice. I found it hard to breathe.

It wasn’t until I got into my car, and looked into the mirror, that I noticed that I was crying.

***

I did not stop hearing Kame’s thoughts in my head, and I listened closely, but he did not mention me much. And if he did, he scolded himself, quickly thinking of something else. It made me feel more miserable than ever.

It made me wonder if that was, maybe, my punishment. For not paying enough attention to Kame, and for hurting him. For letting my former best friend drift away from me, and not doing anything about it.

Now, I would apparently have to bear with his voice in my head for the rest of my life, knowing that, though I desperately wanted to make it right again, I couldn’t. Maybe I even deserved it. I had tried to forget about him, treating him with a cruel silence he had not deserved, and now, something somewhere made sure that I would _never_ forget about him again.

The worst thing about it was that, the more I thought about it, and the more time passed, the more I wondered if we could have not made it work. If I could not have returned his feelings. Because Kame had always been special to me, way back already, when I had met him. There wasn’t much that I would not have done for him. I had loved him, in my own way, and maybe, I’d have even loved him enough for that.

But it didn’t matter anymore, did it? I had missed my chance.

***

I was scared of the start of the tour. I knew it meant a lot of traveling, sleeping in hotels, a lot of hours spent with the band. With the band, and with Kame.

I had been scared of it. But everything came much worse than I would have even expected, when I saw the hotel rooms the management had booked for us.

They had actually gone out of their way to make me and Kame share a room.

I seriously wondered if they had done it on purpose. I had had to listen to a lot of talks about the weird distance between us on stage, and the way the fans worried about why we would not interact. They probably hoped that, by putting us in one room, we could somehow clear our differences.

If only they knew that the closeness made everything so much more difficult.

Kame did not seem very surprised by the arrangements, either, as far as I could tell from his thoughts. That did not mean he was happy about it, though. Once, I heard him contemplate about asking Nakamaru to change rooms with him. He did not go through with it, though, from fear of having to explain what was going on with us.

He seemed to watch his thoughts even more than usual, the day we took off to Okinawa, where our first concert of the tour would be held. All throughout the flight, he occupied himself with the set list and lyrics and dance moves, trying to remember everything double.

When he was done with that, on the way to the hotel, he started to recite baseball statistics. I would have laughed, if I had not felt so much like crying.

We were both quiet, after we had gotten the keys to our room, and took the elevator upstairs. I kept shooting looks at Kame, not being able to help myself. Kame had moved backwards, trying to remember the baseball statistics of the last seasons.

We unpacked in silence, and I desperately wondered if there was not anything I could say. I desperately wanted to. This silence was worse than anything, worse than the fights and the tears.

After a while, Kame threw a look at the clock, and wondered if it was alright to leave.

_I have to meet up with the camera team anyways, for some interviews for the DVD… That’s still 40 minutes away, but I could waste some time in the lobby, and-_

He did not come farther than that, because that was the moment I snapped. I turned around and hugged him, sneaking my arms around his torso, pressing my chest into his back, and my face to his hair. Kame held his breath, shocked thought- and speechless. I inhaled his scent, feeling like crying.

“Don’t go” I whispered, and Kame asked: _Why?_ In his thoughts, because his thoughts were faster than his mouth.

“Because I don’t want to continue like this” I continued, holding onto him a little tighter. “Please let us talk, Kame!”

There was a moment, when I thought that I had him. Where his head was filled with the thoughts of how good it felt to be held by me like that, and where he wondered if it was okay to stay like that for a while. But then, he got a grip of himself, and his hands were on mine faster than I had expected, loosening my hold on him.

“There is nothing to talk about” Kame murmured. “You know all my thoughts already.”

With that, he left the room, leaving me to myself and my misery.

***

Kame did not come back into our room until late at night. He thought it dangerous to stay alone with me for too long, and counted on me being asleep when he returned.

I humored him when he actually returned, pretending that I was asleep, when actually, all I had done was lay in bed for hours, listening to Kame’s voice in my head.

Kame was silent as he got ready for bed as well, keen on not waking me up. When he sat down on his bed, he looked over to me, watching my seemingly sleeping face for a moment. I concentrated very hard not to move, listening intently to Kame’s thought, for once sincere, now that he thought I would not hear them.

_He looks beautiful, like that. Younger, as if we were teenagers again. I wished we could go back to that time, when I actually still knew how to trust him. When everything did not seem so complicated._

Kame let out a sigh, a verbal one, and crawled into his bed, turning his back to me, trying to will himself to sleep, but having difficulties to ignore my presence. After a while, I dared to open my eyes, staring at his back, longing more than anything just to reach out for him and pull him towards me again. To feel his warmth, his touch…

And then, suddenly, Kame thought the exact same thing.

_That’s why I always avoided sharing a room with Jin. It’s always the same – I can’t sleep because I’m too aware that he’s here, close enough to reach out to, but I can’t. At least he is not dreaming anything, like he used to, a few years back. I don’t think I could stand when he started to moan now, and I – argh, better not think about that… Damn, too late…_

It was that moment, that I just thought “Fuck it!” and got up from my bed, crossing the distance to his bed quickly.

Kame’s heart sank, and he wondered immediately if I had heard him, and he was about to turn to me and say something, but I was faster – laying down on the bed, hugging him close to me, from behind. I felt how Kame held his breath, and only thought: _Shit._

I held him close, feeling his heart beat under my palm, where I had pressed it to his chest, and whispered: “If you want to get close to me, why don’t you do it?”

Kame’s imagination went wild with those words, but all he said was: “You know I can’t.”

“Why not?” I enquired, turning my head a little to press a kiss to his neck. Kame thought about how good that felt. I did it again.

“Stop it” Kame whispered, breathless.

“I hear everything, Kame” I reminded him, and caught by a sudden boldness I did not know I possessed, I let one of my hands wander from his chest down to his boxer shorts, fingering the waist band. “Even the stuff you don’t want me to hear.” I lowered my voice, whispering into his ear: “I know you’re turned on.”

With that, I slipped my hand under the fabric. “Stop it!” Kame hissed, but he let out an involuntary moan, when my fingers closed around his hard shaft, and thought: _Oh god._

“I’m sorry” I whispered into his ear, as I began to move my hand up and down on him, reducing his thoughts to little half-sentences. “For not noticing your feelings back then. For just letting you go like that. I will never do that again.”

Kame whined lowly when I traced his slit with my thumb, smearing the pre-cum, and thought: _Why are you doing this?_

“You’re important to me” I said simply, kissing the skin just below his ear. “I just forgot for a while exactly how important.”

_But you’re not gay._

“That is open to negotiation” I shrugged, tightening my grip, and Kame bucked into my hand, letting out a shaky breath.

_What makes you think – oh god – that we could ever make this work?_

“I just know” I breathed, nuzzling my nose against the skin of his neck, which had become a little sweaty. “I might not think as much as you do, but I’ve thought enough about that. I’m tired of pretending that I don’t care. Aren’t you, too?”

_I was under the impression that it was no pretense._

“Well, then you thought wrong” I said firmly, biting down on his earlobe, to emphasize my point. Kame gasped, making me aware, with a fleeting thought, that his ear was sensitive. “If you had once stopped thinking to actually _ask_ me, all of that would have been a lot simpler.”

I slipped my free hand under his T-Shirt, massaging a nipple with careful fingers, and it hardened immediately under my touch.

 _Oh god. I’m close,_ Kame warned.

“It’s okay” I nodded, sucking his earlobe into my mouth, tickling it with my tongue, before adding: “Stop thinking already Kame and let go.”

I tightened my grip around him once more, and Kame closed his eyes, doing what I said. It didn’t take more than 2 or 3 more strokes until he came into my hand, turning into a fuzzy minded mess.

I held him close, enjoying the intimacy, waiting until he came back to himself.

“Oh god Jin” he gasped, after a while. “What are you doing to me?”

I did not answer. Instead, I caught his chin between my fingers, propping myself up on an elbow and turning his face to me so I could descend my lips onto his.

The moment I kissed him, I felt at home. This was it, this was what I had searched for, all this time. This feeling.

My mind was blown, and I held onto him, putting my everything into the kiss, every feeling I had ever had, and those I had newly discovered, too. I wanted to make Kame understand, desperately.

Only he was not playing along, still doubting, his thoughts of how good it felt as I slid my tongue against his interrupted by wondering if he could really trust me.

It made me sigh against his lips, and I pulled away a little to look into his eyes.

“I wish you could hear my thoughts, too” I whispered longingly. “Then maybe, you would stop worrying.”

“A lot of things have happened” he reminded me.

“I know” I nodded, promising: “And I’m gonna make every little thing up to you. Until you can trust me again.”

Kame’s thoughts were confusing, but I did not mind them much, as I pulled him into another kiss. If I needed to kiss him until he could not think anymore, I would do it all night. As long as he did not push me away from him again.

***

We woke up through Kame’s alarm the next morning. I had spooned Kame, my arms drawn tightly around his waist, and I held onto him, when he stretched in my arms, searching for his cell phone to kill the noise.

I buried my face into his hair, unwilling to let go, and I took in a deep breath, inhaling his scent… Until I realized that something was missing.

It was too quiet.

“Kame” I murmured, perplexed. “Think something.”

“I _am_ thinking” Kame yawned, before freezing, realizing what I was saying. “Wait, you mean it’s gone?!”

“Yeah” I nodded, frowning, finally sitting up, catching eyes with Kame.

There was a moment of silence, before Kame let out a deep breath, saying: “THANK GOD!”

I narrowed my eyes at his relief, reaching out to catch his chin between my fingers again, making him look at me.

“Don’t think you’re getting to keep things from me again, from now on. And you’re not getting to avoid me again. Got it?”

Kame raised an eyebrow at me, and I desperately wanted to know what was going through his head. After all those weeks of hearing him nonstop, it was unnerving.

“So, you really want to do this?” Kame enquired seriously. “This thing with us, I mean.”

“Of course” I said surely, and in case there was still any doubt, I bend down to catch his lips with mine again. He returned the kiss, much to my relief, humming into it contently.

When we broke apart, Kame was smiling, running his fingers through my messy bed hair, and I blurted out: “What are you thinking?”

Kame chuckled, amused, before murmured, a little mischievously: “I wondered if we can safe time, if we shower together…”

I raised an eyebrow in question, but it made click, when Kame pulled me down into another kiss.

THE END

Extra

Kame’s POV

I sighed in relief, when the hot water of the shower hit my skin. My muscles were tired and sore from the concert, but I was in a better mood than I had been in a long time, so I did not mind much. Even more at the prospective of snuggling up into bed with Jin later.

I smiled stupidly at myself, letting my mind wander over the many secret looks Jin had thrown me over the day, and I hardly heard, when the door to the showers opened.

Until I heard Jin’s voice, saying: _Argh, where is he? Are we alone? I have to be quick…_

“Jin?” I called, perplexed, and Jin answered, calling: “Kame? Are you in there?”

There was a knock on the door of my shower, and I turned the lock, letting him inside.

Jin was dressed in nothing but a bathrobe, and he was smirking mischievously as he entered, locking the door behind him again.

“Hi” he said, smirking.

“Hi” I chuckled, but was cut off from saying more when Jin’s eyes roamed my naked body, and I heard his voice say: _Oh gosh, he is so sexy. I just have to look at him and I get hard. I’m really gay, ain’t I?_

Which would not have been such a big deal. Only that Jin had not moved his lips. I stared, blinking, but Jin did not notice, as he quickly slipped out of his bathrobe, before joining me under the spray. His arms closed around my waist, and he drew me in, connecting his lips with mine in a passionate kiss.

 _God, it feels so good to kiss him_ , I heard Jin say again, but he did not actually _say_ it. His mouth was occupied otherwise. _I wanted to do him ever since his solo. Does he even realize how much of a cock-tease he is?!_

Jin broke the kiss, only to nibble on my neck, and I blinked, slowly realizing what was going on. More or less, at least.

“This is interesting” I murmured, and Jin just hummed questioningly against my skin as he grabbed my butt, squeezing it fondly, too distracted to pay much attention to me.

_Oh god, his skin is so soft. Why haven’t we done this sooner?!_

I had to smirk at that, taking a deep breath to keep from laughing. I tightened my grip on Jin’s body and thought: Oh well. As long as it was here, I could also enjoy it.

It was that moment, that I heard the rest of the band entering the backstage showers. I grinned before I soundlessly let myself slip onto my knees, smirking up at Jin’s questioning look before taking his erection into my hand, stroking it briefly.

 _Oh god_ , Jin thought, and even his mental voice sounded breathless. _Is he-?_

I raised my eyebrows at him before leaning forward, taking him into my mouth.

Jin gasped, before biting his lips in desperation, trying to keep his voice down.

_Oh god. Oh, so hot. Oh dear – oh, the others are in the room. Don’t moan, Jin, don’t – oh god, don’t flick your tongue like that! Don’t – aaaahhhh…_

I could not really smile with my mouth full, but the corners of my mouth still twitched.

_Oh god. How did he get that good? This is incredible…_

I chuckled very lowly as I let Jin fall from my mouth, whispering up at him: “Practice, hun.”

Waited, until I saw Jin’s eyes widened, and he stared down on me in shock.

I smirked, before going back to work. This was going to be a long and _fun_ night. Payback is a bitch, Jin.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2012/04/04/one-shot-%E8%B6%85%E8%87%AA%E7%84%B6%E7%9A%84-the-voice-i-hear-inside-my-head/


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